What Players Should Do During The Lockout
Mosi Jooharian
With the lockout looming, NBA players are going to have a lot of spare time. Some have been talking about going to play abroad, but I have some other suggestions for a few of today’s biggest talents.
LeBron James: Re-grow hair. I think it’s about time to hop on that Rogaine train, Bron Bron. You’re only 26 years old and that headband can only ride up so far until it flies off your dome. I know you played wide receiver in high school but they’re going to start calling you wide receder soon. Then again, the Mailman used Rogaine and he never won a championship.
The Kevins:
• Kevin Love: Get a tan.
• Kevin Garnett: What’s the opposite of get a tan?
• Kevin Durant: Eat something.
Blake Griffin: New haircut. It’s hard to hate on the Blake Show but that ginger fro’s gotta go, bro. Mow it down, keep it short. It’ll make you more aerodynamic.
Paul Pierce: Shave. Your facial hair looks like glued on pubic hair. It’s patchy, it’s disgusting and it makes you look homeless.
Carmelo Anthony/The Knicks: Defense. Learn it.
Ron Artest aka Metta W. Peace: Comic book and/or movie deal. Who wouldn’t want to see a kick-ass, crime-fighting basketball player beating up bad guys with his amazing basketball-related abilities?! With a name like Metta World Peace, this business opportunity is too good to pass up.
Kobe Bryant: Cryogenic freezing. There has been some talk of Kobe’s new cryotherapy treatment for his knee which is supposed to speed up the heeling of his leg with the use of a cryogenic chamber that gets down to minus 166 degrees Fahrenheit. We all know Kobe’s getting older and his body ain’t what it used to be. I say we take it a step further and cryogenically freeze the whole Kobe until the next season is set to get under way. The Lakers can’t afford any idle Kobe time.
Yao Ming: Human ladder.
Luke Walton: Human toilet, and/or retire.
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